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Finding Grace in Despair

W H A T A T I M E to be in right now? Can you think of a time in your life when almost the entire world was experiencing the same course of life? Think about it. Of all the different countries, cultures, languages, ethnicities, religion, etc. ,we are united in something other than the obvious fact of being human. We are living our very different lives, in our very different worlds, in our homes; waiting. Waiting for this chaos to be over. Waiting for the fear, the unknowns, the sheer boredom to be over.


People are losing loved ones. People are losing jobs. Losing a since of financial stability. People are losing hope. Businesses are closing their doors, others are fighting to stay alive. People are having to cancel joyous occasions and some now have to find peace in that.


So where does that leave all of us exactly? What is normal now? How do we move forward when we don't even know where that is or how to get there?

As a wedding photographer, I feel like I'm in a weird place. As a business owner, obviously the goal is to grow your business. Set goals, make action, crush goals, repeat. It's hard to set goals with an unknown clock. That can give anyone involved great anxiety. I seek out advice from fellow photographers. Photographers that have been in this for 10+ years and have amazing success records to show, are now lost. They know as much as I do.


As a mother of 3, 1 who is gifted, another with Autism, I am being told to now guide my children through being homeschooled. I find myself sitting back and asking, "you want me to teach my gifted child, who is now doing math that I no longer understand?", "you want me to teach my Autistic child? The one who needs paraprofessional and therapist support." I remember when he was a toddler, and started to notice something was not "right" with him. I was consumed with fear and sadness because I knew I couldn't help my baby. The one thing a mother should be able to do and I couldn't because something was wrong and I was out of my element. Now I am left standing in the same situation. A little bit wiser, a little bit stronger but still unsure of what to do next.


As an individual, I find myself frustrated. I am frustrated because I was finally to the point where I could go seek the treatment I need for my Lyme. To gain more knowledge of how to live a life with Chronic Lyme instead of just guess and hope for the best. Now I have to wait longer. Wait with an unknown time limit. For those who do not know much about Lyme, most have to travel several hundred miles for treatment. Treatment that must be paid for out of pocket. So now is not the time to be traveling, to be paying hundreds-thousands of dollars out of pocket.


This could be a time for all of us to play a victim role. To get angry and start arguing with people on social media. To fall deep into despair and let this season of life consume us in the ugliest of ways. Friends.....it is NOT that time. This may be a hard season of life that has left us angry, confused, and frustrated. This time however, is a time to grow. To learn more about ourselves and the others around us. This is a time to do good, so when we look back on this we can say "yea, that sucked. That was a really hard time but you know what? I did some of my BEST during the world's WORST!"


We have all been through tough times. We have been through walks of life we never asked to go on, yet we made it to the other side. There was a time in my life that I would never wish upon another person. Looking back on it, I do not know the reason why I had to go through that. While recovering I did not believe there was good that could from it, that the future held anything good. But I learned to have grace. I learned to see good from my worst days. I became stronger.


As a Lyme warrior there are days that challenge me more than others. I have to force myself to see the good when all I feel is pain and the deepest exhaustion. I have not felt 100% in a long time but I have learned to adapt to a new normal. I wake up feeling tired but am okay because I found grace. I choose to thrive. I choose to find joy and create joy for others. I choose to do good even when I don't feel good.



Something I learned from Rachel Hollis was the practice of daily gratitude. This practice saved me during some rough days with my Lyme. It helped me find grace during rough times and continues to guide me in that way of thinking. Sure it may seem silly, but you know what, it has made me a better mother, wife and person because of it. I'm not saying everyone needs to do this, or to do it in a nice journal like this one. I 100% believe that everyone does things in their own way. What I am asking is for you to find your own grace during this time. Find a way to do good so when you look back on this dark time there will be light. A shadow cannot exist without light. Find your light my friends. Find your grace.


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